#3: The Freshman 15

Can you believe this chick? Lazy bum.

The most common things you hear at your college orientation are "The best thing about college is FREE STUFF!" and "Beware of the Freshman Fifteen."  Now, I have yet to receive something free on campus and as for the fifteen?  That's your own fault.   Please let me take a moment to explain.

Stop.  We all know that the only exercise a college student receives is walking across campus to get to classes, because we can't take the time out of our busy schedules of studying hard (Yea, right.) to head to the gym and flex our guns.  1.  Wanna burn more calories?  Get rid of the rolling backpacks!  There's nothing like carrying on a conversation with your buddies and all of the sudden your voices drift into that CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK of plastic wheels rolling across a brick path, because the idiot behind you doesn't want to carry his books like a normal person.  (Everyone keeps looking at me!  I must be popular!)  2.  Stop eating at Rob's Cafe in Akron.  Swipe your ZipCard once and its all you can eat processed chemicals and some form of calorie-infested corn (because the world runs on corn.  Not Dunkin').  3.  You don't need to take the Roo express for one or two blocks.  I promise you won't drop over and have a heart attack, because I myself walk from one side of the campus to the other every day and have never stepped foot on the campus bus.  (I'm a survivor.)

Almost 90% of foods you find on a supermarket
 shelf either contain corn or soy and sometimes both.

Quit It.  1.  You don't really have to eat nothing but fast food.  That's just what living on campus implies.  Go to the store and buy healthier processed foods that aren't as calorie-infested as that Whopper/Big Mac.  2.  You don't have to be a vegan or an anorexic to not look like the laziest human on earth.  Wait until your stomach is actually growling to eat, because if it isn't you're just bored, and that's how you ingest fifteen pounds of fat.  3. Don't walk as slow as possible to class.  You see all those people fighting to get around you and give you disgusted looks because you're making them late to class?  They're burning more calories than you!

Yes, you!  Stop telling you're friends you feel like the biggest heifer in town and do something about it.  Get a real backpack and carry that endless stack of books the right way.  (Back problems are always better than gaining 15 pounds right?)  Avoid the vending machines.  They have healthy choices in them, but you know you're never going to pick that little packet of peanuts over that large bag of chips.  Don't eat anything that doesn't mold.  Why would you put something in your mouth that even bacteria wouldn't touch (Because it's delicious, that's why!  GO CORN!)  Remember that chemically challenged food can also taste amazing.  After all, that's what all the fake food is based off.

#2: Sweet, Exposed Dreams

When taking a leisurely stroll through the Student Union building at the University of Akron you can't help but to notice the drifters.  Their eyelids droop, their heads start bobbing like a fishing lure, and their personal belongings are up for grabs as they call out for a new owner.  (I'm free! I'm free! Please take me!)

Stop.  Do you really want to fall asleep in public?  Let alone a college campus with hundreds of people walking by you and all thinking the same things.  (What could we possibly do to make this person's life exciting today?)  1.   Don't be so trusting.  Not everyone is that kind-hearted soul such as yourself.  If you want to take a nap, go to your pimpmobile, spread out across that shag carpet you got from the side of the road, and lock the door.

Quit It.  1.  As much as I like to study your uvula and take close-up photos for future reference in anatomy, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!  Seriously, you're just setting yourself up for a photo shoot.  2.  As much as you like to think your backpack is safe with your leg through the strap, its not.  We can still always rip your leg off and run away.  Or if we happen to be smart enough, unzip the bag.  (Oooh, I call dibs on laptop!) 3.  If you don't stop snoring I'm gonna shove my dirty sock into your mouth.  As much as I love to study to the sound of your growling and yelling at a monster, I'm sure other students feel differently.

Yes, you!  You know when you fall asleep in public because when you suddenly begin to fall and jerk yourself awake getting whiplash, there are always those eyes that happen to be directed towards you.  If you happen to have a horrible taste in your mouth it means people were attempting to shut you up, but didn't feel like wasting a sock.  So please, I beg of you.  For your own sake, don't go to sleep in a public area.

#1: Human Traffic

We all love the days when we travel as packs across a college campus or through the streets of New York.  People cut you off, walk against the steady stream of everyone else, texting and walking, or they just happen to be in their own little world.  Sounds like…driving?  I thought so, too.

Stop.  For the people who believe the world lives to serve them (because we all feel this way. Don't lie to yourself) stop and think of walking like driving.  The same rules should apply.  1.  Walk in two lanes.  One going this direction and the other in the opposite.  Sounds easy enough.  2.  Be aware of other walkers.  Not the dead ones (although don't let those bite you), but the ones who don't like being cut off or slowed down because you can't multitask and walk and talk at the same time.  3.  NO motorcycle packs allowed!  DO NOT walk as a crowd and take up the whole walkway!  I don't care how gangster you think you are.  I have you beat.  

Quit It.  1.  You know those little annoying things that people do when they walk, like texting?  Of course you do it too, but you're better at it so its justifiable.  Well, you're wrong.  You are just as bad.  Come on, fellow walkers, don't turn into hypocrites.  What also falls under annoying walker habits?  2.  Stutter stepping.  Down with the awkward moments (really, just take someone out. You would rather be a jerk than an awkward loser. Trust me.)  3.  Rapping.  Just an FYI, if you aren't actually the one rapping in that mad beat you're listening to,  you sound awful.  That's why no one will give you that record deal.  4.  Brake checking.  Seriously,  the next person who randomly stops/bends over in front of me is getting tackled.  (Oh, sorry, I think you're taillight went out.)

Yes, you!   I know you may feel bad because this blog post is directed at you (Yes, you!)  and don't deny it because I know.  I'm watching you.  I got eyes in the back of my head. (Gee, what a creeper.)  No, not really.  I know you do it, because I do it.  Everyone does it.  Everyone does it because the human mind cannot go beyond the beholder unless we actually think about doing it.  Congratulations, you just passed Human Traffic 101.